Buchwald
阿尔特·布赫瓦尔德（An Buchwald），美国著名专栏作家、幽默大师、语言大师。1982年他曾获美国新闻界最高荣誉——普利策奖。他的文章生动风趣，充满辛辣的幽默。
Dr．Heinrich Applebaum recently completed a study on the effects oftelevision on children．In his case，though，he wasn’t concemed with vio—lence，but how television gives children a false sense of reality． Dr．Applebaum told me，“The greatest danger of television is that itpresents a world to children that doesn’t exist，and leads them to expectthings that never happen．”
“I don’t understand，Doctor，”I said．
“Well，let me cite on example，have you ever seen a television showwhere a person in an automobile doesn’t immediately find a parkingplace on the very first try？”
“Come to think of it，”I said，“I haven’t．”
“Not only is there always a parking spot available but the driver doesn’t even have to back into it．There are two parking spaces available whenever someone in a TV show needs one．Children are being led to be—lieve that when they grow up they will always be able to find a parking place and where they want it．Can you imagine the trauma when they discover that in real life you can drive around a block for three hours and still not find a place to put your car？”
“I never thought of it but it’S true．What else do they show on tele—vision which gives a distorted picture of the real world？”
“Have you noticed that whenever a person walks out of a restaurant or office building or apartment and says to the doorman，”Get me a taxi，the taxi immediately arrives？Millions of children are under the impres—sion that all a doorman has to do iS to blow his whistle and a taxi will be there．I have never seen a show where the doorman has said，“I’m sorry．I can’t get you a taxi．You better take the bus．”’
“Of course，”I said，“I never knew before what bothered me about those TV action programs，but now I do．There is always a yellow taxi waiting off—screen．”
“Now，”said Applebaum，“have you ever said to a taxi driver， ‘Follow that car and don’t lose him’？”
“Not really．”
“Well，if you had，the driver would have told you to blow it out your ear．No taxi driver is in a mood to follow another Car because that means he’S going to get into involved．But on TV every cabdriver looks as if he’d nothing better to do than to drive 90 miles an hour through rain——swept street trying to keep up with a careful of hoods．And the worst thing is that the kids believe it．”
“What else have you discovered？”
“Kids have a perverted sense of what emergency wards of hospitals are really like．On TV shows they take a kid to an emergency ward andfour doctors come rushing down to bandage his leg．In a real life situationthe kid would be sitting on the bench for two hours．On TV there alwayshappens to be a hospital bed available when a kid needs it．What the kidsin this country don’t know is that sometimes you have to wait three daysand have to put a cash deposit of $500 down before they give itto you．”
Applebaum said the cruelest hoax of a11 is when TV shows a lawyerdefending someone innocent of a crime “on the screen the lawyer spends day and night digging up the evi—dence to clear his client．In real life the lawyer says to the defendant，‘Look．I’ve got 20 minutes．Tell me your story and then I’11 plead youguilty and made a deal with the DA．’The defendant might say，‘But I’m innocent．’The lawyer would say，‘So what？I can’t afford to findthat out．I’m innocent．’The lawyer would say，‘So what？I can’t af-ford to find that out．I’m not Perry Mason．’”
“Then what you’re saying，Dr．Applebaum，it isn’t the violence onTV but the unreality that is doing harm to children．”
“Exactly．Even the commercials are talking their toll．Children areled to believe that when they grow up if they use a certain mouthwashthey’11 find the mate of their mouth all night，they to into a tailspin andmany of them never come out of it．”
“What do you think is the biggest fear little girls have？”
“I have no idea．”
“That someday when they get married their husbands will have ringaround the collar．”
“What about boys？” worry that they’11 only go around once in life and they won’t have all the gusto out of their beer that they deserve．”
available adj．有空的，有用的
bother n．麻烦，讨厌的人，纠纷
v．烦扰，打搅；使困惑，使不安；使恼怒
cabdriver n．马车夫；出租汽车司机
deposit n．存款，堆积物，定金
v．存放；堆积；沉淀
commercial adj．商业的，商品化的，商用的
gusto n．爱好，由衷的高兴，嗜好
电视中的虚假世界
[美]阿尔特·布赫瓦尔德
最近，海因里希·阿帕尔鲍姆博士完成了一项研究，内容是关于电视对孩子们的影响的。在研究中他考虑的不是暴力的影响问题，而是电视怎样让孩子们对现实世界产生了错觉。
阿帕尔鲍姆博士对我说：“电视最大的危险是它把一个虚拟的世界呈现在孩子们面前，激起他们产生永远不可能实现的期望。”
“我不明白，博士。”我说。
“那我就举个例子吧。你有没有看到哪个电视节目里开汽车的人是没有马上就找到停车处的？”
“让我想想，”我说，“没看到过。”
“他们不仅总能很快找到停车处，而且还不用倒车进去。电视节目里的人只要需要停车，那里就会有两个停车处。这就会让孩子们相信：他们长大后不管何时何地需要停车，就能找到一个停车处的。你想象一下：在现实生活中如果他们发现在一段街道上兜了3个小时圈子仍找不到停车处时，心灵上会受到怎样的创伤？”
“我以前没想过，不过的确千真万确。电视节目里还有其他歪曲现实世界的东西吗？”
“你发现没？一个人在任何时间走出饭馆或办公室或公寓，只要对守门人说一句：‘给我叫辆出租车’，立刻出租车就会开来了。这种印象在几百万个小孩脑子里都会有，那就是：只要守门人吹哨子，立即就会有一辆出租车开到。我还没发现有哪个电视剧里守门人说：‘抱歉，我不能为您叫来出租车，您还是去乘公共汽车吧。’”
“对，”我说，“以前总不明白那些有情节的电视节目中让我迷惑不解的是什么东西，现在我总算知道了。总有一辆黄色出租车在荧屏外等候着。”
“这就对了，”阿帕尔鲍姆说，“你有没有吩咐过哪个出租车司机：‘跟上那辆汽车，别跟丢了’？”
“从来没有。”
“那就好。如果你这样说的话，司机准会冲着你耳朵喊：‘你见鬼去吧’。事实上没有哪个出租车司机愿意跟踪另一辆汽车的。因为这样做他可能会被牵扯进去。但是在电视节目中似乎每个汽车司机最愿意做的就是用每小时90英里的速度疾驶过积满雨水的街道，试图追上坐满盗窃犯的车。最糟糕的是孩子们都相信现实就是这样的。”
“你还有别的什么发现？”
“对孩子们来说，不真实的还有医院急诊室的样子。在电视节目里，一个孩子只要被送到急诊室，立刻会有四位医生冲过来包扎他的腿。而在实际生活中，这孩子至少要坐在长凳上等待两个小时，才能见到一名实习医生。电视里当一个孩子需要住院时，刚好总会有一张病床是空的。我们的孩子们不清楚的是：你想得到一张病床，非要等上三天不可，然后再预付500美元现款，他们才肯把病床给你。”
阿帕尔鲍姆说，最残忍的欺骗要数电视节目中律师怎样替当事人进行无罪辩护。
“屏幕上的律师为了替他的当事人开脱罪责能没日没夜地寻找证据。现实生活中，律师会对被告说：‘你看，我只有20分钟时间。告诉我你的情况，然后我会为你罪行辩护，再去和地方检察官交涉。’现实生活中被告可能要说：‘可我是没罪的啊。’律师就说：‘那又怎么样？我可没有条件把它弄得一清二楚，我又不是佩里·梅森（美国作家加德纳所著系列小说中一个手段高明的律师兼侦探）’。”
“阿帕尔鲍姆博士，您是说：电视对孩子们真正有危害的是虚幻的假象而不是什么暴力。”
“正是这样。即使商品广告也有危害。广告让孩子们相信：他们长大后如果使用某种漱口剂，就能找到他们理想的伴侣。如果他们夜以继日地漱着口但仍找不到他或她时，精神可能就会错乱，也许其中很多人再也不能恢复正常。”
“您觉得小女孩们因此得到的最大的恐惧是什么？”
“我不知道。”
“她们害怕将来万一结婚，看到她们的丈夫衣领上有黑圈（指电视广告宣称如果不购买某种涤领剂，衣领上就会永远留有一道黑圈）。”
“男孩子呢？”
“男孩子发愁长大后喝啤酒时，享受不到应有的那种乐趣（指电视广告夸大喝啤酒的乐趣）。”