He saw himself standing there in the dim lamplight， with the smell of bugs and cheap scent in his nostrils， and in his heart a feeling of defeat and resentment which even at that moment was mixed up with the thought of Katharine’s white body， frozen for ever by the hypnotic power of the Party. Why did it always have to be like this？ Why could he not have a woman of his own instead of these filthy scuffles at intervals of years？ But a real love affair was an almost unthinkable event. The women of the Party were all alike. Chastity was as deep ingrained in them as Party loyalty. By careful early conditioning， by games and cold water， by the rubbish that was dinned into them at school and in the Spies and the Youth League， by lectures， parades， songs， slogans， and martial music， the natural feeling had been driven out of them. His reason told him that there must be exceptions， but his heart did not believe it. They were all impregnable， as the Party intended that they should be. And what he wanted， more even than to be loved， was to break down that wall of virtue， even if it were only once in his whole life. The sexual act， successfully performed， was rebellion. Desire was thoughtcrime. Even to have awakened Katharine， if he could have achieved it， would have been like a seduction， although she was his wife.
But the rest of the story had got to be written down. He wrote：
After the darkness the feeble light of the paraffin lamp had seemed very bright. For the first time he could see the woman properly. He had taken a step towards her and then halted， full of lust and terror. He was painfully conscious of the risk he had taken in coming here. It was perfectly possible that the patrols would catch him on the way out： for that matter they might be waiting outside the door at this moment. If he went away without even doing what he had come here to do — ！
It had got to be written down， it had got to be confessed. What he had suddenly seen in the lamplight was that the woman was old. The paint was plastered so thick on her face that it looked as though it might crack like a cardboard mask. There were streaks of white in her hair； but the truly dreadful detail was that her mouth had fallen a little open， revealing nothing except a cavernous blackness. She had no teeth at all.
He wrote hurriedly， in scrabbling handwriting：
He pressed his fingers against his eyelids again. He had written it down at last， but it made no difference. The therapy had not worked. The urge to shout filthy words at the top of his voice was as strong as ever.
英文七
If there was hope， it must lie in the proles， because only there in those swarming disregarded masses， 85 per cent of the population of Oceania， could the force to destroy the Party ever be generated. The Party could not be overthrown from within. Its enemies， if it had any enemies， had no way of coming together or even of identifying one another. Even if the legendary Brotherhood existed， as just possibly it might， it was inconceivable that its members could ever assemble in larger numbers than twos and threes. Rebellion meant a look in the eyes， an inflexion of the voice， at the most， an occasional whispered word. But the proles， if only they could somehow become conscious of their own strength. would have no need to conspire. They needed only to rise up and shake themselves like a horse shaking off flies. If they chose they could blow the Party to pieces tomorrow morning. Surely sooner or later it must occur to them to do it？ And yet—！
He remembered how once he had been walking down a crowded street when a tremendous shout of hundreds of voices women’s voices — had burst from a side-street a little way ahead. It was a great formidable cry of anger and despair， a deep， loud “Oh-o-o-o-oh！” that went humming on like the reverberation of a bell. His heart had leapt. It’s started！ he had thought. A riot！ The proles are breaking loose at last！ When he had reached the spot it was to see a mob of two or three hundred women crowding round the stalls of a street market， with faces as tragic as though they had been the doomed passengers on a sinking ship. But at this moment the general despair broke down into a multitude of individual quarrels. It appeared that one of the stalls had been selling tin saucepans. They were wretched， flimsy things， but cooking-pots of any kind were always difficult to get. Now the supply had unexpectedly given out. The successful women， bumped and jostled by the rest， were trying to make off with their saucepans while dozens of others clamoured round the stall， accusing the stall-keeper of favouritism and of having more saucepans somewhere in reserve. There was a fresh outburst of yells. Two bloated women， one of them with her hair coming down， had got hold of the same saucepan and were trying to tear it out of one another’s hands. For a moment they were both tugging， and then the handle came off. Winston watched them disgustedly. And yet， just for a moment， what almost frightening power had sounded in that cry from only a few hundred throats！ Why was it that they could never shout like that about anything that mattered？
He wrote：