Night after night he took books and papers into his own private room,and sate up there long after the family were gone to bed. He thoughtthat no one knew of this occupation of the hours he should have spent insleep. One morning, when daylight was stealing in through the crevices of his shutters, and he had never been in bed, and, in hopelessindifference of mind, was thinking that he could do without the hour ortwo of rest, which was all that he should be able to take before the stirof daily labour began again, the door of his room opened, and hismother stood there, dressed as she had been the day before. She hadnever laid herself down to slumber any more than he. Their eyes met.
Their faces were cold and rigid, and wan, from long watching.
"Mother! why are not you in bed?"
"Son John," said she, "do you think I can sleep with an easy mind, whileyou keep awake full of care? You have not told me what your troubleis; but sore trouble you have had these many days past."
"Trade is bad."
"And you dread----"
"I dread nothing," replied he, drawing up his head, and holding it erect. "Iknow now that no man will suffer by me. That was my anxiety."
"But how do you stand? Shall you--will it be a failure?" her steady voicetrembling in an unwonted manner.
"Not a failure. I must give up business, but I pay all men. I mightredeem myself--I am sorely tempted--"
"How? Oh, John! keep up your name--try all risks for that. How redeemit?"
"By a speculation offered to me, full of risk; but, if successful, placingme high above water-mark, so that no one need ever know the strait Iam in. Still, if it fails--"
"And if it fails," said she, advancing, and laying her hand on his arm, hereyes full of eager light. She held her breath to hear the end of hisspeech.
"Honest men are ruined by a rogue," said he gloomily. "As I stand now,my creditors, money is safe--every farthing of it; but I don"t knowwhere to find my own--it may be all gone, and I penniless at thismoment. Therefore, it is my creditors" money that I should risk."
"But if it succeeded, they need never know. Is it so desperate aspeculation? I am sure it is not, or you would never have thought of it.
If it succeeded--"
"I should be a rich man, and my peace of conscience would be gone!"
"Why! You would have injured no one."
"No; but I should have run the risk of ruining many for my own paltryaggrandisement. Mother, I have decided! You won"t much grieve overour leaving this house, shall you, dear mother?"
"No! but to have you other than what you are will break my heart. Whatcan you do?"
"Be always the same John Thornton in whatever circumstances;endeavouring to do right, and ****** great blunders; and then trying to be brave in setting to afresh. But it is hard, mother. I have so workedand planned. I have discovered new powers in my situation too late-andnow all is over. I am too old to begin again with the same heart. Itis hard, mother."
He turned away from her, and covered his face with his hands.
"I can"t think," said she, with gloomy defiance in her tone, "how it comesabout. Here is my boy--good son, just man, tender heart--and he fails inall he sets his mind upon: he finds a woman to love, and she cares nomore for his affection than if he had been any common man; he labours,and his labour comes to nought. Other people prosper and grow rich,and hold their paltry names high and dry above shame."
"Shame never touched me," said he, in a low tone: but she went on.
"I sometimes have wondered where justice was gone to, and now I don"tbelieve there is such a thing in the world,--now you are come to this;you, my own John Thornton, though you and I may be beggars together-my own dear son!"
She fell upon his neck, and kissed him through her tears.
"Mother!" said he, holding her gently in his arms, "who has sent me mylot in life, both of good and of evil?"
She shook her head. She would have nothing to do with religion justthen.