"Let me describe my position to you in a few words.Having found in the solemn headmaster of the College Saint-Louis a tutor to whom my uncle delegated his authority,at the age of eighteen I had gone through all the classes;I left school as innocent as a seminarist,full of faith,on quitting Saint-Sulpice.My mother,on her deathbed,had made my uncle promise that I should not become a priest,but I was as pious as though I had to take orders.On leaving college,the Abbe Loraux took me into his house and made me study law.During the four years of study requisite for passing all the examinations,I worked hard,but chiefly at things outside the arid fields of jurisprudence.
Weaned from literature as I had been at college,where I lived in the headmaster's house,I had a thirst to quench.As soon as I had read a few modern masterpieces,the works of all the preceding ages were greedily swallowed.I became crazy about the theatre,and for a long time I went every night to the play,though my uncle gave me only a hundred francs a month.This parsimony,to which the good old man was compelled by his regard for the poor,had the effect of keeping a young man's desires within reasonable limits.
"When I went to live with Comte Octave I was not indeed an innocent,but I thought of my rare escapades as crimes.My uncle was so truly angelic,and I was so much afraid of grieving him,that in all those four years I had never spent a night out.The good man would wait till I came in to go to bed.This maternal care had more power to keep me within bounds than the sermons and reproaches with which the life of a young man is diversified in a puritanical home.I was a stranger to the various circles which make up the world of Paris society;I only knew some women of the better sort,and none of the inferior class but those I saw as I walked about,or in the boxes at the play,and then only from the depths of the pit where I sat.If,at that period,any one had said to me,'You will see Canalis,or Camille Maupin,'Ishould have felt hot coals in my head and in my bowels.Famous people were to me as gods,who neither spoke,nor walked,nor ate like other mortals.
"How many tales of the Thousand-and-one Nights are comprehended in the ripening of a youth!How many wonderful lamps must we have rubbed before we understand that the True Wonderful Lamp is either luck,or work,or genius.In some men this dream of the aroused spirit is but brief;mine has lasted until now!In those days I always went to sleep as Grand Duke of Tuscany,--as a millionaire,--as beloved by a princess,--or famous!So to enter the service of Comte Octave,and have a hundred louis a year,was entering on independent life.I had glimpses of some chance of getting into society,and seeking for what my heart desired most,a protectress,who would rescue me from the paths of danger,which a young man of two-and-twenty can hardly help treading,however prudent and well brought up he may be.I began to be afraid of myself.
"The persistent study of other people's rights into which I had plunged was not always enough to repress painful imaginings.Yes,sometimes in fancy I threw myself into theatrical life;I thought Icould be a great actor;I dreamed of endless triumphs and loves,knowing nothing of the disillusion hidden behind the curtain,as everywhere else--for every stage has its reverse behind the scenes.Ihave gone out sometimes,my heart boiling,carried away by an impulse to rush hunting through Paris,to attach myself to some handsome woman I might meet,to follow her to her door,watch her,write to her,throw myself on her mercy,and conquer her by sheer force of passion.
My poor uncle,a heart consumed by charity,a child of seventy years,as clear-sighted as God,as guileless as a man of genius,no doubt read the tumult of my soul;for when he felt the tether by which he held me strained too tightly and ready to break,he would never fail to say,'Here,Maurice,you too are poor!Here are twenty francs;go and amuse yourself,you are not a priest!'And if you could have seen the dancing light that gilded his gray eyes,the smile that relaxed his fine lips,puckering the corners of his mouth,the adorable expression of that august face,whose native ugliness was redeemed by the spirit of an apostle,you would understand the feeling which made me answer the Cure of White Friars only with a kiss,as if he had been my mother.
"'In Comte Octave you will find not a master,but a friend,'said my uncle on the way to the Rue Payenne.'But he is distrustful,or to be more exact,he is cautious.The statesman's friendship can be won only with time;for in spite of his deep insight and his habit of gauging men,he was deceived by the man you are succeeding,and nearly became a victim to his abuse of confidence.This is enough to guide you in your behavior to him.'