About five this afternoon,being tired with study,the weather inviting,and time lying a little upon my hands,I resolved,at the instigation of my evil genius,to visit them;their husbands having been our contemporaries.This I thought I could do without much trouble;for both live in the very next street.I went first to my lady Camomile;and the butler,who had lived long in the family,and seen me often in his master's time,ushered me very civilly into the parlour,and told me,though my lady had given strict orders to be denied,he was sure I might be admitted,and bid the black boy acquaint his lady that I was come to wait upon her.In the window lay two letters;one broken open,the other fresh sealed with a wafer;the first directed to the divine Cosmelia,the second to the charming Lucinda;but both,by the indented characters,appeared to have been writ by very unsteady hands.Such uncommon addresses increased my curiosity,and put me upon asking my old friend the butler if he knew who those persons were.'Very well,'says he;'this is from Mrs.Furbish to my lady,an old schoolfellow and great crony of her ladyship's:and this the answer.'I inquired in what county she lived.'Oh,dear!'says he,'but just by,in the neighbourhood.Why,she was here all this morning,and that letter came and was answered within these two hours.They have taken an odd fancy,you must know,to call one another hard names;but,for all that,they love one another hugely.'By this time the boy returned with his lady's humble service to me,desiring I would excuse her;for she could not possibly see me,nor anybody else,for it was opera-night.""Methinks,"says I,"such innocent folly as two old women's courtship to each other should rather make you merry than put you out of humour.""Peace,good Isaac,"says he,"no interruption,Ibeseech you.I got soon to Mrs.Feeble's,she that was formerly Betty Frisk;you must needs remember her;Tom Feeble,of Brazen Nose,fell in love with her for her fine dancing.Well,Mrs.
Ursula,without further ceremony,carries me directly up to her mistress's chamber,where I found her environed by four of the most mischievous animals than can ever infest a family;an old shock dog with one eye,a monkey chained to one side of the chimney,a great grey squirrel to the other,and a parrot waddling in the middle of the room.However,for awhile all was in a profound tranquillity.
Upon the mantle-tree,for I am a pretty curious observer,stood a pot of lambative electuary,with a stick of liquorice,and near it a phial of rose-water,and powder of tutty.Upon the table lay a pipe filled with betony and colt's-foot,a roll of wax-candle,a silver spitting-pot,and a Seville orange.The lady was placed in a large wicker chair,and her feet wrapped up in flannel,supported by cushions;and in this attitude--would you believe it,Isaac?--was she reading a romance with spectacles on.The first compliments over,as she was industriously endeavouring to enter upon conversation,a violent fit of coughing seized her.This awakened Shock,and in a trice the whole room was in an uproar;for the dog barked,the squirrel squealed,the monkey chattered,the parrot screamed,and Ursula,to appease them,was more clamorous than all the rest.You,Isaac,who know how any harsh noise affects my head,may guess what I suffered from the hideous din of these discordant sounds.At length all was appeased,and quiet restored:a chair was drawn for me;where I was no sooner seated,but the parrot fixed his horny beak,as sharp as a pair of shears,in one of my heels,just above the shoe.I sprang from the place with an unusual agility,and so,being within the monkey's reach,he snatches off my new bob-wig,and throws it upon two apples that were roasting by a sullen sea-coal fire.I was nimble enough to save it from any further damage than singeing the fore-top.I put it on;and composing myself as well as I could,I drew my chair towards the other side of the chimney.The good lady,as soon as she had recovered breath,employed it in making a thousand apologies,and,with great eloquence,and a numerous train of words,lamented my misfortune.In the middle of her harangue,I felt something scratching near my knee,and feeling what it should be,found the squirrel had got into my coat-pocket.As I endeavoured to remove him from his burrow,he made his teeth meet through the fleshy part of my forefinger.This gave me an unexpressible pain.The Hungary water was immediately brought to bathe it,and goldbeater's skin applied to stop the blood.The lady renewed her excuses;but,being now out of all patience,I abruptly took my leave,and hobbling downstairs with heedless haste,I set my foot full in a pail of water,and down we came to the bottom together."Here my friend concluded his narrative,and,with a composed countenance,I began to make him compliments of condolence;but he started from his chair,and said,"Isaac,you may spare your speeches;I expect no reply.When I told you this,I knew you would laugh at me;but the next woman that makes me ridiculous shall be a young one."