In the number of the dead I comprehend all persons,of what title or dignity soever,who bestow most of their time in eating and drinking,to support that imaginary existence of theirs which they call life;or in dressing and adorning those shadows and apparitions,which are looked upon by the vulgar as real men and women.In short,whoever resides in the world without having any business in it,and passes away an age without ever thinking on the errand for which he was sent hither,is to me a dead man to all intents and purposes,and I desire that he may be so reputed.The living are only those that are some way or other laudably employed in the improvement of their own minds,or for the advantage of others;and even among these,I shall only reckon into their lives that part of their time which has been spent in the manner above mentioned.By these means,I am afraid we shall find the longest lives not to consist of many months,and the greatest part of the earth to be quite unpeopled.According to this system we may observe that some men are born at twenty years of age,some at thirty,some at threescore,and some not above an hour before they die;nay,we may observe multitudes that die without ever being born,as well as many dead persons that fill up the bulk of mankind,and make a better figure in the eyes of the ignorant,than those who are alive,and in their proper and full state of health.However,since there may be many good subjects,that pay their taxes,and live peaceably in their habitations,who are not yet born,or have departed this life several years since,my design is to encourage both to join themselves as soon as possible to the number of the living.For as I invite the former to break forth into being and become good for something,so I allow the latter a state of resuscitation,which I chiefly mention for the sake of a person who has lately published an advertisement,with several scurrilous terms in it,that do by no means become a dead man to give.It is my departed friend,John Partridge,who concludes the advertisement of his next year's almanack with the following note:
"Whereas it has been industriously given out by Bickerstaff,Esquire,and others,to prevent the sale of this year's almanack,that John Partridge is dead:this may inform all his loving countrymen,that he is still living in health,and they are knaves that reported it otherwise.
"J.P."
From my own Apartment,November 25.
I have already taken great pains to inspire notions of honour and virtue into the people of this kingdom,and used all gentle methods imaginable,to bring those who are dead in idleness,folly,and pleasure,into life,by applying themselves to learning,wisdom,and industry.But,since fair means are ineffectual,I must proceed to extremities,and shall give my good friends,the Company of Upholders,full power to bury all such dead as they meet with,who are within my former deions of deceased persons.In the meantime the following remonstrance of that corporation I take to be very just.
"WORTHY SIR,"Upon reading your Tatler of Saturday last,by which we received the agreeable news of so many deaths,we immediately ordered in a considerable quantity of blacks,and our servants have wrought night and day ever since to furnish out the necessaries for these deceased.But so it is,Sir,that of this vast number of dead bodies that go putrifying up and down the streets,not one of them has come to us to be buried.Though we should be loth to be any hindrance to our good friends the physicians,yet we cannot but take notice what infection Her Majesty's subjects are liable to from the horrible stench of so many corpses.Sir,we will not detain you;our case in short is this:Here are we embarked in this undertaking for the public good.Now,if people should be suffered to go on unburied at this rate,there is an end of the usefullest manufactures and handicrafts of the kingdom;for where will be your sextons,coffin-makers,and plumbers?What will become of your embalmers,epitaph-mongers,and chief-mourners?We are loth to drive this matter any farther,though we tremble at the consequences of it;for if it shall be left to every dead man's discretion not to be buried till he sees his time,no man can say where that will end;but thus much we will take upon us to affirm,that such a toleration will be intolerable.
"What would make us easy in this matter is no more but that your Worship would be pleased to issue out your orders to ditto Dead to repair forthwith to our office,in order to their interment,where constant attendance shall be given to treat with all persons according to their quality,and the poor to be buried for nothing.
And,for the convenience of such persons as are willing enough to be dead,but that they are afraid their friends and relations should know it,we have a back door into Warwick Street,from whence they may be interred with all secrecy imaginable,and without loss of time or hindrance of business.But in case of obstinacy,for we would gladly make a thorough riddance,we desire a farther power from your Worship,to take up such deceased as shall not have complied with your first orders wherever we meet them;and if,after that,there shall be complaints of any person so offending,let them lie at our doors.
"We are your Worship's till death,"The MASTER and COMPANY of UPHOLDERS.
"P.S.We are ready to give in our printed proposals at large,and if your Worship approves of our undertaking,we desire the following advertisement may be inserted in your next paper:
"Whereas a commission of interment has been awarded against Doctor John Partridge,philomath,professor of physic and astrology,and whereas the said Partridge hath not surrendered himself,nor shown cause to the contrary:These are to certify that the Company of Upholders will proceed to bury him from Cordwainer's Hall,on Tuesday the twenty-ninth instant,where any six of his surviving friends,who still believe him to be alive,are desired to come prepared to hold up the pall.
"Note.We shall light away at six in the evening,there being to be a sermon.
"From our Office near the Haymarket,Nov.23."