Do you know a man if you see him? CRESSIDA Ay, if I ever saw him before and knew him. PANDARUS Well, I say Troilus is Troilus. CRESSIDA Then you say as I say; for, I am sure, he is not Hector. PANDARUS No, nor Hector is not Troilus in some degrees. CRESSIDA 'Tis just to each of them; he is himself. PANDARUS Himself! Alas, poor Troilus! I would he were. CRESSIDA So he is. PANDARUS Condition, I had gone barefoot to India. CRESSIDA He is not Hector. PANDARUS Himself! no, he's not himself: would a' were himself! Well, the gods are above; time must friend or end: well, Troilus, well: I would my heart were in her body. No, Hector is not a better man than Troilus. CRESSIDA Excuse me. PANDARUS He is elder. CRESSIDA Pardon me, pardon me. PANDARUS Th' other's not come to't; you shall tell me another tale, when th' other's come to't. Hector shall not have his wit this year. CRESSIDA He shall not need it, if he have his own. PANDARUS Nor his qualities. CRESSIDA No matter. PANDARUS Nor his beauty. CRESSIDA 'Twould not become him; his own's better. PANDARUS You have no judgment, niece: Helen herself swore th' other day, that Troilus, for a brown favour--for so 'tis, I must confess,--not brown neither,-- CRESSIDA No, but brown. PANDARUS 'Faith, to say truth, brown and not brown. CRESSIDA To say the truth, true and not true. PANDARUS She praised his complexion above Paris. CRESSIDA Why, Paris hath colour enough. PANDARUS So he has. CRESSIDA Then Troilus should have too much: if she praised him above, his complexion is higher than his; he having colour enough, and the other higher, is too flaming a praise for a good complexion. I had as lief Helen's golden tongue had commended Troilus for a copper nose. PANDARUS I swear to you. I think Helen loves him better than Paris. CRESSIDA Then she's a merry Greek indeed. PANDARUS Nay, I am sure she does. She came to him th' other day into the compassed window,--and, you know, he has not past three or four hairs on his chin,-- CRESSIDA Indeed, a tapster's arithmetic may soon bring his particulars therein to a total. PANDARUS Why, he is very young: and yet will he, within three pound, lift as much as his brother Hector. CRESSIDA Is he so young a man and so old a lifter? PANDARUS But to prove to you that Helen loves him: she came and puts me her white hand to his cloven chin-- CRESSIDA Juno have mercy! how came it cloven? PANDARUS Why, you know 'tis dimpled: I think his smiling becomes him better than any man in all Phrygia. CRESSIDA O, he smiles valiantly. PANDARUS Does he not? CRESSIDA O yes, an 'twere a cloud in autumn. PANDARUS Why, go to, then: but to prove to you that Helen loves Troilus,-- CRESSIDA Troilus will stand to the proof, if you'll prove it so. PANDARUS Troilus! why, he esteems her no more than I esteem an addle egg. CRESSIDA If you love an addle egg as well as you love an idle head, you would eat chickens i' the shell. PANDARUS I cannot choose but laugh, to think how she tickled his chin: indeed, she has a marvellous white hand, I must needs confess,-- CRESSIDA Without the rack. PANDARUS And she takes upon her to spy a white hair on his chin. CRESSIDA Alas, poor chin! many a wart is richer. PANDARUS But there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba laughed that her eyes ran o'er. CRESSIDA With mill-stones. PANDARUS And Cassandra laughed. CRESSIDA But there was more temperate fire under the pot of her eyes: did her eyes run o'er too? PANDARUS And Hector laughed. CRESSIDA At what was all this laughing? PANDARUS Marry, at the white hair that Helen spied on Troilus' chin. CRESSIDA An't had been a green hair, I should have laughed too. PANDARUS They laughed not so much at the hair as at his pretty answer. CRESSIDA What was his answer? PANDARUS Quoth she, 'Here's but two and fifty hairs on your chin, and one of them is white. CRESSIDA This is her question. PANDARUS That's true; make no question of that.
'Two and fifty hairs' quoth he, 'and one white: that white hair is my father, and all the rest are his sons.'
'Jupiter!' quoth she, 'which of these hairs is Paris, my husband? 'The forked one,' quoth he, 'pluck't out, and give it him.' But there was such laughing! and Helen so blushed, an Paris so chafed, and all the rest so laughed, that it passed. CRESSIDA So let it now; for it has been while going by. PANDARUS Well, cousin. I told you a thing yesterday; think on't. CRESSIDA So I do. PANDARUS I'll be sworn 'tis true; he will weep you, an 'twere a man born in April. CRESSIDA And I'll spring up in his tears, an 'twere a nettle against May.