Enter MARIA and Clown MARIA Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence. Clown Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours. MARIA Make that good. Clown He shall see none to fear. MARIA A good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.' Clown Where, good Mistress Mary? MARIA In the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery. Clown Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents. MARIA Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you? Clown Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and, for turning away, let summer bear it out. MARIA You are resolute, then? Clown Not so, neither; but I am resolved on two points. MARIA That if one break, the other will hold; or, if both break, your gaskins fall. Clown Apt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria. MARIA Peace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
Exit Clown Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling!
Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus?
'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.'
Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO God bless thee, lady! OLIVIA Take the fool away. Clown Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady. OLIVIA Go to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: besides, you grow dishonest. Clown Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing that's mended is but patched: virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away. OLIVIA Sir, I bade them take away you. Clown Misprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool. OLIVIA Can you do it? Clown Dexterously, good madonna. OLIVIA Make your proof. Clown I must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse of virtue, answer me. OLIVIA Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof. Clown Good madonna, why mournest thou? OLIVIA Good fool, for my brother's death. Clown I think his soul is in hell, madonna. OLIVIA I know his soul is in heaven, fool. Clown The more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen. OLIVIA What think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend? MALVOLIO Yes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him: infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool. Clown God send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his word for two pence that you are no fool. OLIVIA How say you to that, Malvolio? MALVOLIO I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools' zanies. OLIVIA Oh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets: there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove. Clown Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools!
Re-enter MARIA MARIA Madam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you. OLIVIA From the Count Orsino, is it? MARIA I know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended. OLIVIA Who of my people hold him in delay? MARIA Sir Toby, madam, your kinsman. OLIVIA Fetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman: fie on him!
Exit MARIA Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it.
Exit MALVOLIO Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it. Clown Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH OLIVIA By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin? SIR TOBY BELCH A gentleman. OLIVIA A gentleman! what gentleman? SIR TOBY BELCH 'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these pickle-herring! How now, sot! Clown Good Sir Toby! OLIVIA Cousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy? SIR TOBY BELCH Lechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate. OLIVIA Ay, marry, what is he? SIR TOBY BELCH Let him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
Exit OLIVIA What's a drunken man like, fool? Clown Like a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him. OLIVIA Go thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's drowned: go, look after him. Clown He is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman.