"Oh, you insupportable person, you are incorrigible.""You see, I knew that you seemed to care for me, but I pretended to believe that you didn't care for me to make it easier for you.""That makes it worse! Worse and better than all! Alyosha, I am awfully fond of you.Just before you came this morning, I tried my fortune.I decided I would ask you for my letter, and if you brought it out calmly and gave it to me (as might have been expected from you)it would mean that you did not love me at all, that you felt nothing, and were simply a stupid boy, good for nothing, and that I am ruined.But you left the letter at home and that cheered me.You left it behind on purpose, so as not to give it back, because you knew I would ask for it? That was it, wasn't it?""Ah, Lise, it was not so a bit.The letter is with me now, and it was this morning, in this pocket.Here it is."Alyosha pulled the letter out laughing, and showed it her at a distance.
"But I am not going to give it to you.Look at it from here.""Why, then you told a lie? You, a monk, told a lie!""I told a lie if you like," Alyosha laughed, too."I told a lie so as not to give you back the letter.It's very precious to me," he added suddenly, with strong feeling, and again he flushed."It always will be, and I won't give it up to anyone!"Lise looked at him joyfully."Alyosha," she murmured again, "look at the door.Isn't mamma listening?""Very well, Lise, I'll look; but wouldn't it be better not to look? Why suspect your mother of such meanness?""What meanness? As for her spying on her daughter, it's her right, it's not meanness!" cried Lise, firing up."You may be sure, Alexey Fyodorovitch, that when I am a mother, if I have a daughter like myself I shall certainly spy on her!""Really, Lise? That's not right."
"Oh, my goodness! What has meanness to do with it? If she were listening to some ordinary worldly conversation, it would be meanness, but when her own daughter is shut up with a young man...Listen, Alyosha, do you know I shall spy upon you as soon as we are married, and let me tell you I shall open all your letters and read them, so you may as well be prepared.""Yes, of course, if so- " muttered Alyosha, "only it's not right.""Ah, how contemptuous! Alyosha, dear, we won't quarrel the very first day.I'd better tell you the whole truth.Of course, it's very wrong to spy on people, and, of course, I am not right and you are, only I shall spy on you all the same.""Do, then; you won't find out anything," laughed Alyosha.
"And Alyosha, will you give in to me? We must decide that too.""I shall be delighted to, Lise, and certain to, only not in the most important things.Even if you don't agree with me, I shall do my duty in the most important things.""That's right; but let me tell you I am ready to give in to you not only in the most important matters, but in everything.And I am ready to vow to do so now- in everything, and for all my life!"cried Lise fervently, "and I'll do it gladly, gladly! What's more, I'll swear never to spy on you, never once, never to read one of your letters.For you are right and I am not.And though I shall be awfully tempted to spy, I know that I won't do it since you consider it dishonourable.You are my conscience now....Listen, Alexey Fyodorovitch, why have you been so sad lately- both yesterday and to-day? I know you have a lot of anxiety and trouble, but I see you have some special grief besides, some secret one, perhaps?""Yes, Lise, I have a secret one, too," answered Alyosha mournfully."I see you love me, since you guessed that.""What grief? What about? Can you tell me?" asked Lise with timid entreaty.
"I'll tell you later, Lise- afterwards," said Alyosha, confused.
"Now you wouldn't understand it perhaps- and perhaps I couldn't explain it.""I know your brothers and your father are worrying you, too.""Yes, my brothers too," murmured Alyosha, pondering.
"I don't like your brother Ivan, Alyosha," said Lise suddenly.
He noticed this remark with some surprise, but did not answer it.
"My brothers are destroying themselves," he went on, "my father, too.And they are destroying others with them.It's 'the primitive force of the Karamazovs,' as father Paissy said the other day, a crude, unbridled, earthly force.Does the spirit of God move above that force? Even that I don't know.I only know that I, too, am a Karamazov....Me a monk, a monk! Am I a monk, Lise? You said just now that I was.""Yes, I did."
"And perhaps I don't even believe in God.""You don't believe? What is the matter?" said Lise quietly and gently.But Alyosha did not answer.There was something too mysterious, too subjective in these last words of his, perhaps obscure to himself, but yet torturing him.
"And now on the top of it all, my friend, the best man in the world is going, is leaving the earth! If you knew, Lise, how bound up in soul I am with him! And then I shall be left alone....I shall come to you, Lise....For the future we will be together.""Yes, together, together! Henceforward we shall be always together, all our lives! Listen, kiss me, I allow you."Alyosha kissed her.
"Come, now go.Christ be with you!" and she made the sign of the cross over him."Make haste back to him while he is alive.I see I've kept you cruelly.I'll pray to-day for him and you.Alyosha, we shall be happy! Shall we be happy, shall we?""I believe we shall, Lise."
Alyosha thought it better not to go in to Madame Hohlakov and was going out of the house without saying good-bye to her.But no sooner had he opened the door than he found Madame Hohlakov standing before him.From the first word Alyosha guessed that she had been waiting on purpose to meet him.
"Alexey Fyodorovitch, this is awful.This is all childish nonsense and ridiculous.I trust you won't dream- It's foolishness, nothing but foolishness!" she said, attacking him at once.