He started as though he were frightened, and looked at me; and Isaw that it was not enough, and on the spot, in my full officer's uniform, I dropped at his feet and bowed my head to the ground.
"Forgive me," I said.
Then he was completely aghast.
"Your honour...sir, what are you doing? Am I worth it?"And he burst out crying as I had done before, hid his face in his hands, turned to the window and shook all over with his sobs.Iflew out to my comrade and jumped into the carriage.
"Ready," I cried."Have you ever seen a conqueror?" I asked him.
"Here is one before you."
I was in ecstasy, laughing and talking all the way, I don't remember what about.
He looked at me."Well, brother, you are a plucky fellow, you'll keep up the honour of the uniform, I can see."So we reached the place and found them there, waiting us.We were placed twelve paces apart; he had the first shot.I stood gaily, looking him full in the face; I did not twitch an eyelash, Ilooked lovingly at him, for I knew what I would do.His shot just grazed my cheek and ear.
"Thank God," I cried, "no man has been killed," and I seized my pistol, turned back and flung it far away into the wood."That's the place for you," I cried.
I turned to my adversary.
"Forgive me, young fool that I am, sir," I said, "for my unprovoked insult to you and for forcing you to fire at me.I am ten times worse than you and more, maybe.Tell that to the person whom you hold dearest in the world."I had no sooner said this than they all three shouted at me.
"Upon my word," cried my adversary, annoyed, "if you did not want to fight, why did not you let me alone?""Yesterday I was a fool, to-day I know better," I answered him gaily.
"As to yesterday, I believe you, but as for to-day, it is difficult to agree with your opinion," said he.
"Bravo," I cried, clapping my hands."I agree with you there too, I have deserved it!""Will you shoot, sir, or not?"
"No, I won't," I said; "if you like, fire at me again, but it would be better for you not to fire."The seconds, especially mine, were shouting too: "Can you disgrace the regiment like this, facing your antagonist and begging his forgiveness! If I'd only known this!"I stood facing them all, not laughing now.
"Gentlemen," I said, "is it really so wonderful in these days to find a man who can repent of his stupidity and publicly confess his wrongdoing?""But not in a duel," cried my second again.
"That's what's so strange," I said."For I ought to have owned my fault as soon as I got here, before he had fired a shot, before leading him into a great and deadly sin; but we have made our life so grotesque, that to act in that way would have been almost impossible, for only after I had faced his shot at the distance of twelve paces could my words have any significance for him, and if Ihad spoken before, he would have said, 'He is a coward, the sight of the pistols has frightened him, no use to listen to him.'
Gentlemen," I cried suddenly, speaking straight from my heart, "look around you at the gifts of God, the clear sky, the pure air, the tender grass, the birds; nature is beautiful and sinless, and we, only we, are sinful and foolish, and we don't understand that life is heaven, for we have only to understand that and it will at once be fulfilled in all its beauty, we shall embrace each other and weep."I would have said more but I could not; my voice broke with the sweetness and youthful gladness of it, and there was such bliss in my heart as I had never known before in my life.
"All this is rational and edifying," said my antagonist, "and in any case you are an original person.""You may laugh," I said to him, laughing too, "but afterwards you will approve of me.""Oh, I am ready to approve of you now," said he; "will you shake hands? for I believe you are genuinely sincere.""No," I said, "not now, later on when I have grown worthier and deserve your esteem, then shake hands and you will do well."We went home, my second upbraiding me all the way, while Ikissed him.All my comrades heard of the affair at once and gathered together to pass judgment on me the same day.
"He has disgraced the uniform," they said; "Let him resign his commission."Some stood up for me: "He faced the shot," they said.
"Yes, but he was afraid of his other shot and begged for forgiveness.""If he had been afraid of being shot, he would have shot his own pistol first before asking forgiveness, while he flung it loaded into the forest.No, there's something else in this, something original."I enjoyed listening and looking at them."My dear friends and comrades," said I, "don't worry about my resigning my commission, for I have done so already.I have sent in my papers this morning and as soon as I get my discharge I shall go into a monastery- it's with that object I am leaving the regiment."When I had said this every one of them burst out laughing.
"You should have told us of that first, that explains everything, we can't judge a monk."They laughed and could not stop themselves, and not scornfully, but kindly and merrily.They all felt friendly to me at once, even those who had been sternest in their censure, and all the following month, before my discharge came, they could not make enough of me.