`Of course you,' said Gerald, as if he had been thinking; `there's something curious about you.You're curiously strong.One doesn't expect it, it is rather surprising.'
Birkin laughed.He was looking at the handsome figure of the other man, blond and comely in the rich robe, and he was half thinking of the difference between it and himself -- so different; as far, perhaps, apart as man from woman, yet in another direction.But really it was Ursula, it was the woman who was gaining ascendance over Birkin's being, at this moment.Gerald was becoming dim again, lapsing out of him.
`Do you know,' he said suddenly, `I went and proposed to Ursula Brangwen tonight, that she should marry me.'
He saw the blank shining wonder come over Gerald's face.
`You did?'
`Yes.Almost formally -- speaking first to her father, as it should be, in the world -- though that was accident -- or mischief.'
Gerald only stared in wonder, as if he did not grasp.
`You don't mean to say that you seriously went and asked her father to let you marry her?'
`Yes,' said Birkin, `I did.'
`What, had you spoken to her before about it, then?'
`No, not a word.I suddenly thought I would go there and ask her --and her father happened to come instead of her -- so I asked him first.'
`If you could have her?' concluded Gerald.
`Ye-es, that.'
`And you didn't speak to her?'
`Yes.She came in afterwards.So it was put to her as well.'
`It was! And what did she say then? You're an engaged man?'
`No, -- she only said she didn't want to be bullied into answering.'
`She what?'
`Said she didn't want to be bullied into answering.'
`"Said she didn't want to be bullied into answering!" Why, what did she mean by that?'
Birkin raised his shoulders.`Can't say,' he answered.`Didn't want to be bothered just then, I suppose.'
`But is this really so? And what did you do then?'
`I walked out of the house and came here.'
`You came straight here?'
`Yes.'
Gerald stared in amazement and amusement.He could not take it in.
`But is this really true, as you say it now?'
`Word for word.'
`It is?'
He leaned back in his chair, filled with delight and amusement.
`Well, that's good,' he said.`And so you came here to wrestle with your good angel, did you?'
`Did I?' said Birkin.
`Well, it looks like it.Isn't that what you did?'
Now Birkin could not follow Gerald's meaning.
`And what's going to happen?' said Gerald.`You're going to keep open the proposition, so to speak?'
`I suppose so.I vowed to myself I would see them all to the devil.
But I suppose I shall ask her again, in a little while.'
Gerald watched him steadily.
`So you're fond of her then?' he asked.
`I think -- I love her,' said Birkin, his face going very still and fixed.
Gerald glistened for a moment with pleasure, as if it were something done specially to please him.Then his face assumed a fitting gravity, and he nodded his head slowly.
`You know,' he said, `I always believed in love -- true love.But where does one find it nowadays?'
`I don't know,' said Birkin.
`Very rarely,' said Gerald.Then, after a pause, `I've never felt it myself -- not what I should call love.I've gone after women -- and been keen enough over some of them.But I've never felt love.I don't believe I've ever felt as much love for a woman, as I have for you -- not love.You understand what I mean?'
`Yes.I'm sure you've never loved a woman.'
`You feel that, do you? And do you think I ever shall? You understand what I mean?' He put his hand to his breast, closing his fist there, as if he would draw something out.`I mean that -- that I can't express what it is, but I know it.'
`What is it, then?' asked Birkin.
`You see, I can't put it into words.I mean, at any rate, something abiding, something that can't change --'
His eyes were bright and puzzled.
`Now do you think I shall ever feel that for a woman?' he said, anxiously.
Birkin looked at him, and shook his head.
`I don't know,' he said.`I could not say.'
Gerald had been on the qui vive , as awaiting his fate.Now he drew back in his chair.
`No,' he said, `and neither do I, and neither do I.'
`We are different, you and I,' said Birkin.`I can't tell your life.'
`No,' said Gerald, `no more can I.But I tell you -- I begin to doubt it!'
`That you will ever love a woman?'
`Well -- yes -- what you would truly call love --'
`You doubt it?'
`Well -- I begin to.'
There was a long pause.
`Life has all kinds of things,' said Birkin.`There isn't only one road.'
`Yes, I believe that too.I believe it.And mind you, I don't care how it is with me -- I don't care how it is -- so long as I don't feel --'
he paused, and a blank, barren look passed over his face, to express his feeling -- `so long as I feel I've lived , somehow -- and I don't care how it is -- but I want to feel that --'
`Fulfilled,' said Birkin.
`We-ell, perhaps it is fulfilled; I don't use the same words as you.'
`It is the same.'