I cannot tell you all the ins and outs, in fact I did not understand them at the time, and I don't remember clearly how it all happened now.But I know that Lady Cuxhaven sent mamma some money to be applied to my education as she called it, and mamma seemed very much put out and in very low spirits, and she and I did not get on at all together.So of course I never ventured to name the hateful twenty pounds to her, but went on trying to think that if I was to marry Mr Preston, it need never be paid - very mean and wicked I dare say, but oh, Molly, I've been punished for it, for how I abhor that man.'
'But why? When did you begin to dislike him? You seem to have taken it very passively all this time.'
'I don't know.It was growing upon me before I went to that school at Boulogne.He made me feel as if I was in his power; and by too often reminding me of my engagement to him, he made me critical of his words and ways.
There was an insolence in his manner to mamma, too.Ah! you're thinking that I'm not too respectful a daughter - and perhaps not; but I could not bear his covert sneers at her faults, and I hated his way of showing what he called his "love" for me.Then, after I had been a semestre at Madame Lefevre's, a new English girl came - a cousin of his, who knew but little of me.Now, Molly, you must forget as soon as I have told you what I am going to say - and she used to talk much and perpetually about her cousin Robert - he was the great man of the family, evidently - and how he was so handsome, and every lady of the land in love with him, - a lady of title into the bargain.'
'Lady Harriet! I dare say,' said Molly, indignantly.
'I don't know,' said Cynthia, wearily.'I didn't care at the time, and I don't care now; for she went on to say there was a very pretty widow too, who made desperate love to him.He had often laughed with them at all her little advances, which she thought he did not see through, - and - oh, - and this was the man I had promised to marry, and gone into debt to, and written love-letters to.So now you understand it all, Molly.'
'No, I don't yet.What did you do on hearing how he had spoken about your mother?'
'There was but one thing to do.I wrote and told him I hated him, and would never, never marry him, and would pay him back his money and the interest of it as soon as ever I could.'
'Well?'
'And Madame Lefevre brought me back my letter, - unopened, I will say;and told me that she did not allow letters to gentlemen to be sent by the pupils of her establishment unless she had previously seen their contents.
I told her he was a family friend, the agent who managed mamma's affairs - I really could not stick at the truth; but she would not let it go; and I bad to see her burn it, and to give her my promise I would not write again before she would consent not to tell mamma.So I had to calm down, and wait till I came home.'
'But you did not see him then; at least, not for some time.'
'No, but I could write; and I began to try and save up my money to pay him.'
'What did he say to your letter?'
'Oh, at first he pretended not to believe I could be in earnest; he thought it was only pique, or a temporary offence to be apologized for and covered over with passionate protestations.'
'And afterwards?'
'He condescended to threats; and, what is worse, then I turned coward.
I could not bear to have it all known and talked about, and my silly letters shown - oh, such letters - I cannot bear to think of them, beginning, "My dearest Robert," to that man -- '
'But, oh, Cynthia, how could you go and engage yourself to Roger?' asked Molly.
'Why not?' said Cynthia, sharply turning round upon her.'I was free - I am free; it seemed a way of assuring myself that I was quite free;and I did like Roger - it was such a comfort to be brought into contact with people who could be relied upon; and I was not a stock or a stone that I could fail to be touched with his tender, unselfish love, so different to Mr Preston's.I know you don't think me good enough for him; and, of course, if all this comes out, he won't think me good enough either' (falling into a plaintive tone very touching to hear); 'and sometimes I think Iwill give him up, and go off to some fresh life amongst strangers; and once or twice I have thought I would marry Mr Preston out of pure revenge, and have him for ever in my power - only I think I should have the worst of it.for he is cruel in his very soul - tigerish, with his beautiful striped skin and relentless heart.I have so begged and begged him to let me go without exposure.'
'Never mind the exposure,' said Molly.'It will recoil far more on him than harm you.'