I have not written to my beloved Amelia for these many weeks past, for what news was there to tell of the sayings and doings at Humdrum Hall, as I have christened it; and what do you care whether the turnip crop is good or bad; whether the fat pig weighed thirteen stone or fourteen; and whether the beasts thrive well upon mangelwurzel? Every day since I last wrote has been like its neighbour.Before breakfast, a walk with Sir Pitt and his spud; after breakfast studies (such as they are) in the schoolroom; after schoolroom, reading and writing about lawyers, leases, coal-mines, canals, with Sir Pitt (whose secretary I am become); after dinner, Mr.Crawley's discourses on the baronet's backgammon; during both of which amusements my lady looks on with equal placidity.She has become rather more interesting by being ailing of late, which has brought a new visitor to the Hall, in the person of a young doctor.Well, my dear, young women need never despair.The young doctor gave a certain friend of yours to understand that, if she chose to be Mrs.Glauber, she was welcome to ornament the surgery! I told his impudence that the gilt pestle and mortar was quite ornament enough; as if I was born, indeed, to be a country surgeon's wife! Mr.Glauber went home seriously indisposed at his rebuff, took a cooling draught, and is now quite cured.Sir Pitt applauded my resolution highly;he would be sorry to lose his little secretary, I think;and I believe the old wretch likes me as much as it is in his nature to like any one.Marry, indeed! and with a country apothecary, after--No, no, one cannot so soon forget old associations, about which I will talk no more.Let us return to Humdrum Hall.
For some time past it is Humdrum Hall no longer.
My dear, Miss Crawley has arrived with her fat horses, fat servants, fat spaniel--the great rich Miss Crawley, with seventy thousand pounds in the five per cents., whom, or I had better say WHICH, her two brothers adore.She looks very apoplectic, the dear soul; no wonder her brothers are anxious about her.You should see them struggling to settle her cushions, or to hand her coffee! "When I come into the country," she says (for she has a great deal of humour), "I leave my toady, Miss Briggs, at home.My brothers are my toadies here, my dear, and a pretty pair they are!"When she comes into the country our hall is thrown open, and for a month, at least, you would fancy old Sir Walpole was come to life again.We have dinner-parties, and drive out in the coach-and-fourthe footmen put on their newest canary-coloured liveries; we drink claret and champagne as if we were accustomed to it every day.We have wax candles in the schoolroom, and fires to warm ourselves with.Lady Crawley is made to put on the brightest pea-green in her wardrobe, and my pupils leave off their thick shoes and tight old tartan pelisses, and wear silk stockings and muslin frocks, as fashionable baronets' daughters should.Rose came in yesterday in a sad plight--the Wiltshire sow (an enormous pet of hers) ran her down, and destroyed a most lovely flowered lilac silk dress by dancing over it--had this happened a week ago, Sir Pitt would have sworn frightfully, have boxed the poor wretch's ears, and put her upon bread and water for a month.All he said was, "I'll serve you out, Miss, when your aunt's gone," and laughed off the accident as quite trivial.Let us hope his wrath will have passed away before Miss Crawley's departure.I hope so, for Miss Rose's sake, I am sure.
What a charming reconciler and peacemaker money is!
Another admirable effect of Miss Crawley and her seventy thousand pounds is to be seen in the conduct of the two brothers Crawley.I mean the baronet and the rector, not OUR brothers--but the former, who hate each other all the year round, become quite loving at Christmas.I wrote to you last year how the abominable horse-racing rector was in the habit of preaching clumsy sermons at us at church, and how Sir Pitt snored in answer.When Miss Crawley arrives there is no such thing as quarrelling heard of--the Hall visits the Rectory, and vice versa--the parson and the Baronet talk about the pigs and the poachers, and the county business, in the most affable manner, and without quarrelling in their cups, I believe--indeed Miss Crawley won't hear of their quarrelling, and vows that she will leave her money to the Shropshire Crawleys if they offend her.If they were clever people, those Shropshire Crawleys, they might have it all, I think; but the Shropshire Crawley is a clergyman like his Hampshire cousin, and mortally offended Miss Crawley (who had fled thither in a fit of rage against her impracticable brethren) by some strait-laced notions of morality.He would have prayers in the house, I believe.
Our sermon books are shut up when Miss Crawley arrives, and Mr.Pitt, whom she abominates, finds it convenient to go to town.On the other hand, the young dandy--"blood," I believe, is the term--Captain Crawley makes his appearance, and I suppose you will like to know what sort of a person he is.
Well, he is a very large young dandy.He is six feet high, and speaks with a great voice; and swears a great deal; and orders about the servants, who all adore him nevertheless; for he is very generous of his money, and the domestics will do anything for him.Last week the keepers almost killed a bailiff and his man who came down from London to arrest the Captain, and who were found lurking about the Park wall--they beat them, ducked them, and were going to shoot them for poachers, but the baronet interfered.
The Captain has a hearty contempt for his father, Ican see, and calls him an old PUT, an old SNOB, an old CHAW-BACON, and numberless other pretty names.He has a DREADFUL REPUTATION among the ladies.He brings his hunters home with him, lives with the Squires of the county, asks whom he pleases to dinner, and Sir Pitt dares not say no, for fear of offending Miss Crawley, and missing his legacy when she dies of her apoplexy.