John no one thwarted???much less punished???though he twisted the necks of the pigeons???killed the little pea???chicks???set the dogs at the sheep???stripped the hothouse vines of their fruit???and broke the buds off the choicest plants in the conservatory???he called his mother???oid girl?????????too???sometimes reviled her for her dark skin???similar to his own???bluntlV disregarded her wishes???not unfrequently tore and spoiled her silk attire???and he was still???her own darling??????I dared commit no fault???I scrove tO fulfil every duty???and 1 was termed naughty and tiresome???sullen and sneaking???from morning to noon???and from noon to night???
My head still ached and bled with the blow and fall I had received???no one had reproved John for wantonly striking me???and because I had turned against him to avert farther irrational violence???1 was loaded with general opprobrium???
???Unjust???unjust??????said my reason???forced by the agonising stimulusnto precocious though transitory power???and Resolve???equally wrought uP???instigated some strange expedient to achieve escape from insupporta???hie oppressmn???as running away???or???if that could not be effected???nevereating or drinking more???and letting myself die???
What a consternation of soul was mine that dreary afternoon???Howall my brain was in tumult???and all my heart in insurrection???Yet in whatdarkness???what dense ignorance???was the mental battle fought???I could notanswer the ceaseless inward question???why I thus suffered???now???at the dis???tance of 1 will not say how many years???I see it clearly???
1 was a discord in Gateshead Hall???1 was like nobody there???I hadnothing in harmony with Mrs???Reed or her children???or her chosen vassal??age???If they did not love me???in fact???as little did I love them???They werenot bound tO regard with affection a thing that could not sympathise withone amongst them???a heterogeneous thing???opposed to them in tempera???ment???in capacity???in propensities???a useless thing???incapable of servingtheir interest???or adding to their pleasure???a noxious thing???cherishing thegerms of indignation at their treatment???of contempt of their judgment???Iknow that had I been a sanguine???brilliant???careless???exacting???handsome???romping child though equally dependent and friendless--Mrs???Reedwould have endured my presence more complacently???her children wouldhave entertained for me more of the cordiality of fellow???feeling???theservants would have been less prone to make me the scapegoat of thenursery???Daylight began to forsake the red???room???it was past four 0???clock???and the beclouded afternoon was tending to drear twilight???I heard the rainstill beating continuously on the staircase window???and the wind howlingin the grove behind the hall???I grew by degrees cold as a stone???and then my courage sank???My habitual mood of humiliation???self???doubt???forlomdepression???fell damp on the embers of my decaying ire???All said 1 was1 wicked???and perhaps I might be SO???what thought had I been but 1ust concel???vlng of starving myself to death???That certainly was a crime???and wasI fit to die???Or was the vault under the chancel of Gateshead Church aninviting bourne???In such vault I had been told did Mr???Reed lie buried???and led by this thought to recall his idea???I dwelt on it with gatheringdread???I could not remember him???but I knew that he was my own uncle???my mother???S brother???that he had taken me when a parentless infant tohis house???and that in his last moments he had required a promise of Mrs???Reed that she would rear and maintain me as one of her own children???Mrs???Reed probably considered she had kept this promise???and SO shehad???I dare say???as well as her nature would permit her???but how could shereally like an interloper not of her race???and unconnected with her???afterher husband???S death???by any tie???It must have been most irksome to findherself bound by a hard???wrung pledge to stand in the stead of a parentto a strange child she could not love???and to see an uncongenial alien per???manently intruded on her own family group???
A singular notion dawned upon me???I doubted not??????never doubted??????that if Mr???Reed had been alive he would have treated me kindly???andnow???as I sat looking at the white bed and overshadowed walls??????occa???sionally also turning a fascinated eye towards the dimly gleaming mir??? began to recall what I had heard of dead men???troubled in theirgraves by the violation of their last wishes???revisiting the earth to punishthe perjured and avenge the oppressed???and I thought Mr???Reed???S spirit???harassed by the wrongs of his sister???S child???might quit its abode whetherin the church vault or in the unknown world of the departed and rise be???fore me in this chamber???1 wiped my tears and hushed my sobs???fearfullest any sign of violent grief might waken a preternaturaloice to eonrt|me???or elicit from the gloom some haloed face???bending over me with strange pity???This idea???consolatory in theory???I felt would be terrible if re???alised???with aU my might I endeavoured to stifle it???I endeavoured to befirm???Shaking my hair from my eyes???I lifted my head and tried to lookboldly round the dark room???at this moment a light gleamed on the wall???Was it???I asked myself???a ray from the moon penetrating some aperture inthe blind???No???moonlight was still???and this stirred???while I gazed???it gli???ded up tO the ceiling and quivered over my head???I can now conjecturereadily that this streak of light was???in all likelihood???a gleam from a lan???tern carried by some one across the lawn???but then???prepared as my mindwas for horror???shaken as my nerves were by agitation???I thought the swiftdarting beam was a herald of some coming vision from another world???My heart beat thick???my head grew hot???a sound filled my ears???which Ideemed the rushing of wings???something seemed near me???1 was op???pressed???suffocated???endurance broke down???I rushed to the door andshook the lock in desperate effort???Steps came running along the outerpassage???the key turned???Bessie and Abbot entered???
???Miss Eyre???are you ill??????said Bessie???
???W-hat a dreadful noise???it went quite through me??????exclaimed Ab???bot???
???Take me out???Let me go into the nursery??????was my cry???